i made the realisation today that i'm not the sort that often has bad days. but when i do, they're awful. like today. today was a really, really bad day.

the kind of bad day that stumps you. that makes you sit at your desk, staring at the computer screen, listening to one song on single repeat for hours and just tearing up for no reason.

i blame myself. i came into the third year of school planning to keep a low profile. i told myself, 'you know what, year 1 and 2 were awesome, but it's time to get down to the nitty gritty and it's best if we kept a low profile'.

those expectations were too high. now i'm so involved in work that a low profile is a far cry from what's going on.

i don't even know if i'm making sense.

hopefully, the days are tragically long, but the year will be short. no doubt, this year promises a lot of fun and adventure, but also, at the same time, a good load of pain and tears and bitch fights.

i don't want school to turn me into the nasty bitch school turns me into.

i just really feel like shit right now. i haven't felt this way in a long time. it's nice though. it reminds me to keep grounded, to be nice, to be thankful - especially to the people around me who are being amazingly understanding and supportive.

"it was nice walking out of the station and having someone there waiting for you."

i hate having a fucking wall.

and it really shouldn't have to be this hard. screw all those, the longer the wait, the sweeter the result. it's bull. it just shouldn't have to be this hard. full stop. the end.

it's been a while since i have posted here. i would love to think that it's a good thing. this blog never seems to have any happy posts. yes, this girl posts the happy things on the more public blog. all part of the master plan.

but i think a part of me knows that not having been here isn't quite the good thing we want to believe. this girl has also mastered the fine art of personal evasion. that's right. she is the dean of hiding, concealing, ignoring and evading emotions. pushing them aside as though they were never there. tossing them behind so that maybe, unless she turns around and looks them in the face, they can't hurt her.

i know, stupid and foolish.

so yes, i think the reason i haven't quite been here is because i haven't got the courage to write out what's been bugging me inside. cause putting it up here makes it real.

but if there is one thing i have learned lately, it is that hiding and running away and tossing aside problems will only make them pile higher and fall on you from behind when you least expect it.

it's though you know, promising yourself you'll stop doing that, that you'll find the guts and balls to face the demons you carry with you. but i guess it has got to be done. i think it has gotten to that point where i need to learn to manage my emotions more than ever before i end up on a couch, telling a doctor how it made me feel.

right.

so, ever since i properly found out and kinda accepted the empathic side of me, i have come to realized that maybe every time i felt a strong negative emotion, i would kid myself into thinking that it wasn't mine, that it belonged to someone else and i was merely tapping off it. hah.

there are so many things people feel and think every day. many of them are good and happy, but a lot aren't either. it all comes own to how well you sieve through things, you know?

everyone has the image of how their ideal partner would be. he'd have certain qualities, be in possession of certain materials and be everything you want in just the right amounts.

but people will always always tell you you'll never find that perfect someone. that he'd come close, but no, he won't be perfect.

i used to believe in the simplicity of love. how it'd be two people coming together and being complete. or something to that effect. like santa, fairies and the tooth fairy, love joins them in the sense that as you grow older, you'll know they don't exist. and even if they did, it never is quite the same as when you were 6.

no, don't get me wrong, i'm not a cynic when it comes to love. hell, a part of me still believes in happily ever after. i still want to find mr perfect, settle down and have a family. i'm just saying that love is no longer the same as when i was young. love is now this huge confusing mess of everything, anything and nothing at all. love it is just such a beautiful bitch.

so, yes, while i have fooled myself into believing that the perfect man will not have everything i want in him, i have been hit on the head with a new twist.

there is someone out there who has everything i thought i'd like in someone. yes, i josh with you not. i have found that someone who has the material possessions, the qualities (most of them, at least) and other nitty gritty details.

yet of course, life can't be this nice to me. she just had to throw it in my face. how, you may ask? well, okay, let's look at it this way. beautiful pair of shoes. gorgeous colour. silk ribbons. the heels are just the right height. and, oh, leather soles. it's been spotted on the feet of everyone's who is anyone and fashion critics around the globe call it the kelly bag of the shoe world. price is no issue to you.

so yes, here is that evil spin. it doesn't come in your size. the last piece in the world (i'm exaggerating here but i'm proving a point so cut some slack) and it is a size too small. close. so close. i mean, sure you could squeeze your feet into them and walk around killing your legs, but really? are you willing to?

everything you ever wanted in a person, just not in the person you wanted them in.

now, i know that just because he seems to be everything i wanted in someone does not mean that he is my one true love or that i have to be with him. no, i know that. it just, i don't know, it just pissed me off that it's that way.

life's a bitch. it's just not ours.

this past week or so has been an emotional mess. the work, the drama, the love. everything, i guess, when meshed together, they all kinda created a kaleidoscope of horribleness.

all this time, i was living on the false hope that maybe, soon, it'd all get better. that i'd have someone and all that i-want-to-grow-up-to-be-a-princess jazz.

then a whole pile of poop dropped upon me and i started feeling things i was supposed to stop feeling years ago for someone i thought was long gone. and to add on, someone else came in. someone i shouldn't have been involved with in the first place.

but false hope is a powerful thing. sucks you in, holds on tight to your ankles and refuses to let go. yanks you deeper in till you've lost sight of the sun and there's no way out till you're on the edge of letting go of everything. only then does false hope let you slip away. and you promise and swear not to be sucked in again.

but of course you do. it's only natural.

i wished it all didn't have to be this way. i wished it was all simpler. with less drama and less bitch fights and more loving.

and fuck, is it so hard to just have one person who loves you they way you would?

it's funny. how you want something you can't have. it's a human thing, i think. how we're always striving for that greener grass. how we are never satisfied with what we have.

i tried to see it. i've been to so many places that i've seen many things. but i haven't seen everything. and that pushes me.

screw it. i'm not in the right state of mind to think.

i thought i could come here and write it all out and figure it out but there's nothing to figure out.

there's you. and then there's me. there's no us.

the faster i get that, the better.

if only it weren't this complex.

i've been on this 'update journal' page for about half an hour now, typing and deleting and typing again.

i just can't seem to write it in a way so that it comes off right.

i can't figure out what it is that has to be said, or done.

i keep seeing it being replayed in my head, all these scenes, over and over again, and it makes me feel like i'm missing out on something.

i question it every day, everytime i pass your place, everytime i see you.

they ask why it's such, and i tell them i don't know.

sometimes, you just know. sometimes you don't.

the day i walk up that path and see you there waiting for me, that'd be the day.

dear self,

i hate this blog. this blog stands for all that is not right in my life.

fine, i know that all can't be fine, that perfection was something dreamt up by fools. but, damn, i want to get as close to it as i can bloody well get.

it's like every time a crave a smoke, every time i break down and cry, every time i sneak away to some secret corner, wanting to escape it all... moments like those i hate myself. i hate it how i can get so weak and emotional. how i've always been brought up to know that i was and am always stronger than that.

but i forget how i'm human too. how i make mistakes and i fall and i bleed. just like the best and worse of them.

sometimes it gets easy to forget. to forget everything and anything that we stand for.

sometimes we just don't want to know.

so figure it out, hun, figure out what you want and where you want to be.

you've got the map and compass, you just not looking at it right.

i love you.

i'm in the middle of the school week, in the middle of the day, and i have no idea what the hell is going on.

i long to be at a cafe in paris, with coffee and my half-finished book, and those long french cigarettes. or whatever it is they're called. yeah. that'd be nice.

bad time to preach on the effects of smoking.

my eyes feel heavy. not in that i-wanna-sleep way (i could use a nap though), but more in the no-i-refuse-to-let-myself-cry way. damn you.

i look around and i see all these different groups of people. little cliques of friends just sitting down for a late lunch or a drink. and i look at them and think, 'they'll never do this to each other'. but where i am, it happens all the time. it happens whether we know it or not, whether we want it to or not. and it never was supposed to be this way.

fuck. it hurts. i doubt you know this cause you're busy thinking i'm the one who's hurting you. that you're the victim in all this. listen up, you're not that person. you're not the one we fawn and cry over. and neither am i. no one is. (i have no idea the revelance of that but hell)

if this is the way you want it to play out, then by all means, please.

see if i give a fuck anymore.

this is rapidly turning into a love rant page. i can't help it. everything else is on the other side.

i kinda realized something. is it ever possible to be pressured to be in love?

like, seriously. cause i think so.

i think i've found an answer to the problems of love. you can be like pressured without even knowing it. most of the time, stuff happen to us and we don't even know it. but yeah, you could be pressured to be in love and you won't even know it.

the fun part is figuring out who is pressuring you.

yeah.

wow, this is like revelation to me.

i really, really, really need to sit back and see where the hell i'm taking my life. i mean, on paper, it looks good. i'm doing good enough in school to keep the scholarship people happy, my family life is awesome, i have money and clothes and a nice smelling bed. i'm well on my way to a diploma and into an industry i love. i'm going to be driving soon, i have my financial future more or less mapped out all right, and like i said, on paper, it looks great.

but i keep forgetting the other little things. things like love. things like if i'll be happy where i am 20, 25 years down the road. things like that. things that can't be measured. things that can't be seen or heard.

i feel like crying. and i don't even know why. it's like every thing's been thrown out and shuffled about and now i'm lost and i can't find my bearings and i'm confused, and all i want is just to go home.

when that happened today, i wasn't upset about it per se. i was more upset about the whole concept of it, the bigger picture. i know, i think too far for my own good.

but yeah. illusions. bloody illusions and smoke screens. and hope where there isn't any. don't tell me some bullshit about there always being hope. there's always faith, at least to me. but hope, hope's more elusive. hope's better at hide and seek that faith is. there wasn't any hope here and i thought there was and when i found out there wasn't, everything kinda came crashing down cause i started doubting the hope in everything else too.

what a time, huh?

i know.

i just don't want to be pressured to be in love. it's too tiring. i need to be myself for a while. and if being by myself meant not having you for coffee afternoons, then so be it. i'd rather be alone for a moment now to regroup, then to be alone forever.

shit, i love you still, whoever you ends up being.

if you get the chance, hop onto youtube and watch josh groban and the african children choir performing you raise me up on idol gives back.

so,

it's been a long couple of days. i wasn't quite prepared for the onslaught of love. nor the confusion of it.

i'm really glad that a couple of old friends and i managed to catch up a little that day. it was nice to be back in the company of people who knew me back then.

i realise that this place is like going to see a shrink. no one really knows me here. no one knows the past, the present or the future, and it's nice.

---

i hate being cliche and stuff, but there's no way to put this artistically. why is love so damned complicated?

eww. gives me the goosebumps just thinking about it.

i think, today, now, i just miss my old friends.

the new people i've met over the pass year, ever since coming to this new school, they have been angels. and i love them to bits. but i had friends from the past too. friends, who i think, who know me way better than i may know myself sometimes. but ultimately, they know me well, cause they've been there since forever.

like my god-brother. we kinda had a falling out of sorts and i haven't seen him in 2 years. which sucks cause i do love him. he is my god-brother after all. he used to look out for me, protect me, but we had fun too. the first time i entered a bar, it was with him, though he practically dragged me out just as i was settling in. but one thing i remember most about him was that sometimes he would disregard everything else but me, and we'll sit at the cafe on a lazy afternoon, talking. well, i'd be the one talking, and he'll listen. and listen as i go on and on. and then when i'm done, he'll help me figure things out. i miss those days. when i could just sit and talk and pretend, for a moment, that everything is okay.

but it's been two years. it's been a long time. we've grown up, and apart. though i'm hoping beyond hope that this is another one of his 'hibernation' periods.

if you're reading this, bro, i miss you.

moving along,

it's so easy to fall in love. so bloody easy it's scary. it's like turning the corner and falling into the drain (trust me, i'd know). and the worst thing is that sometimes you're not ready to fall, or you fell for the wrong one.

the one that will never quite be yours.

but oh, it'd be nice. so nice.

it's what you do to me.

i really need to sort out my room. and i really need to get off the net.

and i really need to figure this out. i just don't know what this is yet.

i love you.

so,

i am turning 18 two days. there's this whole sense of accomplishment, and an overwhelming feeling of bittersweet emotions.

on one hand, hell yeah, i'm 18! but then, god, think of all that comes with getting older. and i'm not talking about wrinkles and stuff.

there are a couple of things i'd love for my birthday. things that no one can wrap, put a ribbon on and present to me after the song and cake.

these things include an old friend being online and having one more of those kickass conversations. it includes having every single person i know and love there with me. old friend, past friends, lost friends, loved ones. my god-brothers. my kindergarten love. girls i grew up with. boys i loved a long time passed. it includes spending a good day away. it includes spending another afternoon on a yacht in the middle of no where like the old times. it includes indulging in the present. it includes lighting three candles and knowing it fell into place. it includes knowing i am loved. it includes being in love.

it includes so many things that i don't end know if there's an end to the list.

we'll never stop asking for things. we'll never be satisfied. and that sucks.

i'll be 18 soon.

i wonder if i'm ready.

mommy just asked me why i'm not with a certain someone. i told her i have issues. we both had a good laugh. i have image and ego and commitment issues. i know, it's hilarious.

to me, the whole concept and image of love has been distorted. for many years now. i once knew what love was. i knew when i was 5 or 6. i knew love was when i could run into mummy and daddy's arms and everything would be kissed all right. love was sharing your cookies at the playground with your friends. love was holding your baby sister for the first time. love was all that and more.

now, now everyone talks about a love i don't see, i don't understand.

all i want is someone who'll sit with me in a cafe on a lazy afternoon with a good cup of designer coffee, watching the world pass by. all i want is someone who'd call me in the middle of the night and ask me out for ice cream. all i want is someone who'll share ice cream with me and neither of us will care about getting fat. all i want is someone to love me with all my flaws and shortcoming and vices. all i want is someone who'll write me letters and slip them into my notebook, and i'll find them during lectures when i'm certain life can't get more boring. all i want is someone who'll hold my hand and tell me it'd all be okay.

too much to ask for, apparently.

it's weird. i've been thinking about it. as much as i love him, and as much as i'm certain about the way things are and the way i want them to be, if what i think will happen happens, i think i'd be almost upset. not in that jealous kind of way, but more of a familial kind of way. it's weird.

at the end of the day, i just want us all to be happy.

everything used to be so much easier.

being in love with an image is so much different from being in love with a person.

i had this similarly up someplace else but i took it down. mainly because i realised that i probably won't get it. i mean, honestly, if there were a guy that perfect, he'd be taken up somewhere. but hey, who knows?

i just want to sit the afternoon away. that'd be nice wouldn't it. and if you'd join me, nothing will make me happier.

d&p this morning was interesting to say the least. i loved it when she said that we should continue asking questions till we can crystallize our thoughts. though sometimes it's easier said than done. not all thoughts can be seen so clearly.

there was also the talk of communism. we never really got the chance to explore the topic fully, which i thought would have sparked off some interesting and insightful conversation and arguments, especially behind closed doors and in a module that encouraged letting it all.

i think i am the kind of person that takes notes from everywhere and try to fit it into what i belief in. sure, sometimes it doesn't agree with the beliefs that i grew up with, but most of the time, when i take beliefs from other religions and cultures, they complement what i have and know and trust.

i once knew someone who asked what was my religion. i told him, and he asked, "do you belief that your religion provides all the answers and is the only system there is?" i said no, i didn't think so. he asked why not, and if so, why i still believed in it.

i told him that i have unfaltering faith in my religion. i told him that while there were many concepts and beliefs to my religion, i do look to other religions from time to time. this, however, does not mean that i belief in their Gods and beliefs. i respect all other religions, if those worshipping the most random objects.

but some religions ahve certain concepts or beliefs that make sense to me, and if they are not going against my religion, the one i truly and wholly beleive, then i will learn and take notes from them. discordians, for example, come across to me as a fun loving and interesting group of people. sure, their religion have been described as a joke, but they're funny people. i have a friend who is a discordian, and he ahs the most interesting insights on life that sometimes, i do want to take a leaf from them and just take it as it comes.

so, all i'm saying here is that while it is good to have one system of belief that you believe in wholly, it's not wrong to take a bit from here and there. expand your horizons, and indulge in the present.

where i live, life is good. it's not perfect but it's okay. things could be better, but things also could be worse. anyway, the system here, from what i know and am being told, is fair and nice and dandy.

but have had a life that's good, and then having to go through dark periods, have made me think. a lot. i was also asked a while back, if i could ask God one question and have one answer, what would it be.

i don't know. i have millions of questions for Him.

why are there social classes?
why are there babies who go to sleep hungry?
why can't all children have an education?
why can't people be more grateful?
why do some people get it better than others?

i don't know. i guess one day i'll get my chance and hopefully, by then, i would have know what to ask.

i'm rambling again.

i was going to go on about that whole communism thing, and how things can be better and worse, and why we're always striving for better, but i decided not to.

it's nice to be back in school. at the lunch table today, hearing the conversations, the laughter, being back at the table with familiar faces laughing at old jokes, it felt like homecoming.

right now, it's great being back. i'm in work mode; well getting there. at least the first class of the year was a good one. i shall go start on my homework.

it's good to have a place to ramble. rambling's my forte. hey look, i have a talent!

poppies. why poppies.

poppies are known to symbolize sleep and death. in greco-roman myths, poppies were offered to the dead. poppies also represent eternally sleep. in the wonderful wizard of oz, there was a field of poppies that caused anyone who walked through them to sleep forever.

all this darkness, and yet, i think poppies are beautiful flowers.

why would something so pretty be associated with something so dark?

i think it's the same everywhere. you never really can judge a book by it's cover, no matter how hard you try. you may be an excellent judge of character, but you can never be 100% right. everyone wears a mask, whether they know it or not, whether they want to or not.

humans are, by nature, i think, naturally self-conscious of themselves. we never are happy with who we are. we're constantly trying to be better, look better, and feel better.

now, i'm not saying we should stop. by all means, feel good. i know there are days i deliberately dress up to feel better, or splurge a little (fine, sometimes alot but that's another story) on something.

but i sometimes just don't understand why people always never are satisfied. why do we always strive for something more? why can't we just stop for once and smell the roses (or poppies) and be content? why are we always trying to get something that's always just inches out of our reach?

fine, maybe we can be better, improve and grow. maybe where we are isn't as good as where we can be. everyone should have ambitions and aspirations and work their asses off for it.

maybe humans were programmed in a way that they can never be content or happy or satisfied. we will always want something more. we will always try to be better than what we already are.

that's perfectly all right with me, as long as we take time once in a while to stop and indulge in the present. and as long as we know when to finally stop.

( risk? )

hello.

ah, livejournal.

i love how it is anonymous.

i read something today. it's been something that's been evident since years ago. something i've witnessed so many times, but never really got the chance to say something about.

i know many people who loosely say that they have a horribnle life, that their lives were sad and pathetic. now, these are people who i know are leading comfortable lives. sure, no matter how charming and rich and blessed your life is, there are bound to be problems.

but it is a good, comfortable life. you have a roof over your head, money in the pocket, an education.

so how is not getting that pretty dress in the shop window, not having someone pick you up from school, having to wait an extra ten mintues for the bus equal to your life being sad and pathetic?

what about those kids who only have one meal a day? children who can't have an education because their parents can't afford to send them to school? wives who have lost their husbands and now are working arm and leg to feed her babies?

people who have lost everything they owned and are slowly and painfully finding their way back?

really, what about them?

we talk about helping the destitute in other countries, in other nations. we send money and food and water and even soldiers to nations far beyond what we can see.

we look so far away that we forget to see what is in front of us.

we overlook the very people around us who need our help as much as those peope in far off lands do.

it is great, very great that we are helping those in need. all i'm trying to say is that there are people here who need us too. we keep sweeping them under the carpet, ignoring them, tiptoe-ing around them.

it's time we started to take action and help one of our own. cause i know personal stories of kids who faint in class cause they haven't eaten for days. kids who walk miles home cause they don't have 40, 50 cents for bus rides home.

kids who live down the road from me. kids who need us.

so yes, you may not have that pretty dress, or you had to wait a little longer in a queue.

but be grateful. be thankful.

and please, please have a little more faith.

just a little more.